a perfect closing ever..

I do not know how to thank You. I have got too many christmas and so-called pre new year presents...
1. $100 from my lovely Jay
2. Wonderful free pick-up by The Sapurys in Berlin
3. Ticket from Amsterdam to Berlin
4. Davidoff perfume (2 bottles)
5. Toiletry bag with bath foam and puff
6. A set of body care
7. Fancy satin black clutch with perfume and body lotion
8. Grey sweater
9. Fendi sunglass worths nearly 300euro
10. A blast night with cousins at a club
11. Stroopwaffles and chocolates
12. Free trip to Brussel, Atomiun and Mini-Europe visits
13. Memorable christmas dinner

I am speechless and thanking You head over heels.

Looking forward to my final year in college. Going to do my best for it.

Life is just like mathematics, but...

It consists of 3 elements:
1. Formulas
2. Problems
3. Outcomes (rights and wrongs)

Formulas have existed long way back
Formulas are already given to men
Formulas are always right
It depends on men to decide which formulas should be used to figure out their problems

Problems are always there, whether or not we look for it
Problems are just problems, there is no such thing as good or bad
Problems become worse if men think that way
Problems are lessons if men can look deep into

Outcomes are the result of formulas fit in to problems
Outcomes are always true, it's a fact
Yet, it is either right or wrong
Outcomes are situations when men are challenged to face it, deal with it
Outcomes are supposed to lead men to better human beings

We, as human beings, are not robots who can store all the formulas inside the mind
We, as human beings, keep searching, seeking, trying to find the right formulas for our problems
We, as human beings, keep learning from the mistaken formula we put in
We, as human beings, should share our formulas to others, remember share not stress
We, as human beings, sometimes forget and ignore
We, as human beings, are meant to do mistakes
However, human beings have brains to not fall down into the same hole

We, as human beings, are selfish
Selfishness is a fundamental variable in humans' traits
Everybody does have it ever since they were born

We, as human beings, must to be selfish
Selfish in which no harm for others
The one that differs a person from others is the level of selfishness
Some are in high degree, some have a very low egoistical
It is the result of what formulas they had,
what problems had taken place, and
how they personally took the lesson from the outcomes

Formulas + Problems = Outcomes

Problems can be solved by thousands of way, millions of idea, billions of thinking
Problems can be solved in a second, a minute, a day, a month, a year , years or even decades
Some people used a simple formula because they do not know the complex formula
Some people used a complex formula because they do not know the simple one
Some people used a simple formula to get a simple outcome
Some people used a complex formula because of their egos
Some people used a simple formula but got unexpected outcomes
Some people used a complex formula and got the outcomes as they wanted
Some people used a simple formula because they knew that simple formula cut their energy, time and money
Some people used a complex formula because they wanted to go through every difficulties and obstacles
This is the thing that does not happen in mathematics
In mathematics, the outcomes are definite
1 + 1 = 2
1 + 1 = 8 / 4 = 2
1 + 1 = (12 -2) / 5 = 2
1 + 1 = (100/4) - (46/2) = 2
1 + 1 = (2 + 2) / 2 = 2

However, life is not just numbers and knowledge
It involves brains, interactions, cultures, actions, provabilites, experiences, values, beliefs, customs, religions, lifestyles among human beings
One choice made sacrifices the others

Whichever turn we have made in a junction,
whether it is right or left,
We are going to face another junction in the next row
Life is full of choices
It relies upon us
Making a decision must be followed by preparation and readiness for the consequences

We, as human beings, sometimes fear failures and incapabilities
When you want to be successful, do not ever fear failure
When you want to be rich, do not fear to become poor
When you want to be helped, be generous to right people
When you want to be tall, look down
When you want respects, respect others
When you want A, go get A with efforts, no fear and no doubt

But if you wanna look deeper, yeaaaa...
It is basically as simple as 1 + 1 = 2

... if you make it so

You..

I just realized why I am so scared to fall in love
To depend on someone
To demand many things from other
To expect more of what other has given me
To change someone for my own good
To believe that I am good enough for someone else
To assure that someone is happy to be with me
To sacrifice my time and energy
To occupy someone's needs and wants
To sometimes pretend of liking something that I am not comfortable with
To adjust foot on someone else's shoes

Til now, I do not know what love truly is
But what I know is that love is about both parties' happiness
Love is about making yourself comfortable
Love is about creating comfort for other
Love is asking you to be yourself
Love is about letting somebody else to be what they are
Love is forcing you to control your emotion
Love is about understanding someone else to make you a better person
Love is an immature concept that leads you to maturity
Love is simple if you make it simple
Love is simplifying your way of thinking if you make it so
Love is about communicating your thoughts in the right way, time and angle
Love is sharing the ups and downs with laughs and tears
Love is demanding you to be more understanding about yourself, yet others
Love is a mirror of how sensitive, demanding and ego you are
Love is about winning yourself

If it does not seem so, then it is not love..

This is what I deserved

I know I've been quite far from my responsibilities lately. I know I've been quite unfit and demanding these days. I know I've been out of focus and priorities. I know I've been so childish and cocky. I know I was heading to the old me. I know that whatever has happened was what I deserved. But please, do not punish and put me in this situation. I am clueless, yeah I feel so useless. Please, I beg You, bring back the passport to me. Please, I beg You from the bottom of my heart... I will try my best to be back on track, to the things I have planned. The new me who focuses on only family, friends and studies. I really beg You... I would get rid things which can bust my emotion.

I beg You.

Back in time

I have never wanted to go back in time all my life... never ever thought of doin so. coz I believe whatever has happened, it's meant to be the best for me.

But ever since we got close, I wish I could go back in time to when we started before. I wish I could treat u like I should be. I know that I'd just be in your friend zone, but I keep expecting something else. I know it sounds cliche.. But it's true, you make me happy, happier and sometimes to the happiest.. I just see you as someone who is too perfect for me, too good to be true, that I have been waiting for. The one who could talk lousy yet educating, could say rubbish but growing plants, could tells lies yet true, could say no when you really mean no. It's kinda sad to be in this situation. I've never liked a guy like this before. I mean, u are a good friend of mine, a really good one. But I dunno, after we spent so much time together, I felt a sort of dependency. Yikes, I could not believe that I would say this kinda shit.

I really wish I can go back in time.. when we started before...

I couldn't believe it just happened..

I should have told you on Monday
I started feelin weird on Sunday
That's why I was so quite these days
But I somehow enjoyed to keep pace

I know you could control your feelin
But I dunno why I keep diggin
Diggin to myself
Am I stuck in a showcase?

I have tried to tell you
But this mouth played a fool
You made me feel so blue
After we played pool

I love to see u readin
Sippin your coffee without saying anythin
I was starin
Daydreamin

I care about myself
I am self-centered
But you make me laugh
My heart has run ragged

I am here
With me, myself and I
You are there
Don't care if I die

I was so stupid last nite
And you were sure everythin was right
But this fear hold me tight
I dunno what I got

I am clueless
I feel useless
It's not your business
To know this craziness

I like all about you
Being honest and so true
Talkin without any clue
Which stick me in a glue

I love this friendship
I don't wanna miss any single beep
I know this is so steep and deep
Especially for me who gets tip

Aaaaarrgghhh...

Sebeeeeeeeeeeeellllll....

Emang dia kira gw tembok apa? yg ga punya perasaan...
Emang dia kira gw pintu apa? yg ga punya hati...
Emang dia kira gw patung apa? yg ga bisa bereaksi...

Huh.. kenapa sih hari gini masih ada manusia bodoh yang menikmati indahnya penyiksaan atas kebodohan dia sendiri...? This is a story of...

Temen gw, sebut aja si A. Wanita berusia 23 taun, berasal dari keluarga terpandang dengan kemampuan ekonomi yang bisa dikatakan berlebih. Wajahnya cukup imut dan sangat mementingkan penampilan serta perawatan kulitnya. Bisa dikatakan dia memiliki semua dalam hidup ini. Harta, keluarga, teman, pendidikan dan cinta. Bagiku yang sudah mengenalnya cukup lama, hidupnya sangat simpel dan jelas. TAPI... yah t-a-p-i... dalam bahasa inggris BUT, B-U-T... entah mengapa kehidupan yang simple dan jelas itu selalu ia buat rumit dan samar- samar.

Huuuuhhh... kesabaranku sudah habis. 8 bulan menjadi wadah tempat ia menuangkan segala uneg- uneg, dumelan, omelan, kekesalan, sakit hati, air mata dan segala drama 4 babak yang tak ada habisnya. Sebenarnya sih hanya satu masalah yang ia miliki, cinta... (Huh... ini lagi... ini lagi...)

Sebut saja R, pria yang sempat menjadi kekasihnya 8 bulan lalu, membuat ia menjadi manusia bodoh, lemah, bagaikan robot telah diprogram oleh sang penciptanya. Singkat kata, apa yang ia (dan aku) pikirkan pada awal pertama kenal seolah berubah 180 derajat dengan seiringnya waktu berjalan. Pada tahap pendekatan, R seolah- olah berperilaku penuh pengorbanan dengan sifat pemberi dan dermawan. Setelah 6 bulan, preeeetttt.. CAT SHIT!!! All elephantshit.. (Bullshit's just too small).

Memang kuakui, semua salah pada pihak A. Dia memang, kasarannya, 'membeli' si R. Nih yah kusebutkan: dompet PRADA (cost her around $400), jeans Levi's, makan hotel dan resto bintang 5 (all was on her), tiket KL-Bali-KL (by SQ, ok?? Singapore Airlines, bukan Garuda), sewa mobil 1 bulan (they both are not locals) and so forth... which she hasn't told me about or she tried to hide from me.

Honestly speaking, I don't blame that guy. If I were him, I would definitely do the same shit. Of course, its not risky, it a gift.. free gift, why should I reject? Tapi semakin kesini tuh laki makin kurang ajar dan ga tau diri. Yah I dont give a f*ck about what he did or intended to do.

The main point here is that I'm soooo damn tired to hear all whinin, whingin, cryin from her about him. If you don't like it, STOP TALKING, DO SOMETHING, dumbass!!!

to be continued... (My anger makes hunger cannot wait anymore...)

S.T.A.T.U.S

Why should commitment be represented by status?

Why should terms boyfriend and girlfriend exist? Why do we have to get married where commitment is actually in your heart, mind and action not in a piece of paper...? Where is our rights as human beings to get rid of our current relationship if we found ourselves cannot cope and deal with so-called our lifetime partner..? Which is more painful and sinful, remaining our current relationship with no chemistry and love or breaking our commitment to divorce? Why do people give a damn about status where comfort and communication are the two things that have to be built upon everything? Why can't people just go with the flow as time reveals the outcome? Why don't people realize by feeling comfortable and secure make two men attach to each other? Isn't status sometimes strict men not to be the way they are? Does status create boundaries for men to explore whatever they want to do in order to get the best of the best? Is status built to close man's eyes or other people's eyes? Does status exist to make demands more relevant?

Look around, look inside you... Is this what you want and need?

My throat beats, my heart screams...

Life was so easy, just goin through the motions.
I was cruisin along, not feelin any emotions.
No worries for anythin and nothin really to do.
Then out of the blue, there came u.
Unavailable to me u were, it really did matter to me.
Because I did love u, when we first met.
For the love that u showed me, became absolute flatter.
Sometimes I notice things, like the twinkle in ur eyes,
like the burnin of one star or like the spacious sky.
And then it makes me wonder, could it be a message from above,
or could it b infatuation, or could it b love?
A secret so strong, on the edge so jagged.
How can I tell u that my heart has run ragged?
U continue to tell me that I know not what love is,
but gimme sometime,
for I feel it might b this.
So strong r my feelings, that I try to cover and hide,
that I would actually consider puttin everythin else aside.
I feel it deep down, I feel so very alive.
When Im with u, I feel like we stop time.
Could it b infatuation or could it b love?
Sometimes I have these feelings, like an angel was sent just for me.
Someone to lighten up my life, that guardian u may b.
Into my heart, these feelings have dived.
And would I consider for us to have an affair?
This hypothetical situation is absolutely full of despair.
To give love a chance, and jump in feet first,
ignore all the consequences that I know would make things worse.
And if it would ruin us, and the friendship we have,
what would b the purpose of pursuing this endeavor?
Just to see if we can b together, and see if our love is real?
To destroy what we already have would not make much sense,
for I love our friendship, and the time we spend.
And so it is not worth it, just for one moment of bliss,
for us to indulge in pleasure, not even for one little kiss.
But I know deep in my heart, lies a spot just for u.
You make me a better human being, so honest and so true.
I will b there for u through thick and thin.
I will give encouragement for that is what makes a friend.
And maybe someday, if things become right,
I will open my heart and give no more fight.
Because I definitely fall madly, deeply in love with a man like u.
Sometimes I ponder what might and could have been,
had I the chance to meet u way back when.
Only time will tell what will come of all this,
but if stopped spending time,
that is somethin I would miss.
I wrote this one special, for someone in my life new,
all for this special person, and that person is u.
And whatever of this might come,
I dont think its infatuation, I think it might just b love.

Betapa kecewanya aku dengan dia...

Dulu aku sangat mencintainya, mendambakan untuk ikut terus maju bersama dia... Apapun akan kulakukan untuk membuat segalanya lebih baik, tak peduli kepentingan pribadi terkorbankan sekalipun. Karena aku yakin, dia bisa menjadi yang terbaik, terkaya, terpandang dan termegah, dengan segala sumber daya yang dimiliki. Waktu berjalan perlahan, seiring dengan kedewasaanku... Harapanku, mimpiku, angan2ku ternyata tidak berubah menjadi kenyataan. Aku menyadari bahwa aku hanyalah setitik noda merah dalam deru ombak hitam, apalah aku... dalam sedetik hilang termakan derasnya arus kegelapan. Aku kecewa, kecewa sekali. Kecewa dengan tempat dimana aku dilahirkan, dibesarkan dan dididik dengan adat istiadat penuh tata krama dengan senyum ramah dan uluran tangan. Dan setelah kusadari, ini berakhir dengan keegoisan dan kemarukan para rajanya? Dimana hati nurani? Apalah arti kekayaan duniawi apabila siksaan akhirat menunggu mereka?

Indonesia... Dia membuatku jatuh hati, dan patah hati. Bukalah pintu hati kalian para pemimpin. Sadarkah kalian bahwa korupsi sudah beranak pinak, mendarah daging, turun temurun dan sudah menjadi adat istiadat di negara ini? Ah... memalukan!! Mengapa sistem yg sudah sempurna ini tidak diterapkan? BUKA MATA HATI KALIAN...! Yah kalian memang sudah tidak punya mata dan hati.. hanya hidung untuk mencium bau uang segar, telinga untuk mendengar tawaran- tawaran haram menggiurkan dan lidah untuk menjilat tulang- tulang berserakan bak anjing kelaparan.

Cobalah lihat lebih dalam lagi... Hanya Indonesia yang memiliki sistem RT, RW, Lurah, Camat, Walikota, Gubernur dan seterusnya. Bukankah indah, damai dan tenteram apabila semua menjalankan tugasnya dengan baik penuh totalitas dan tanggung jawab?

Indonesia terdiri dari 220 juta manusia, ribuan pulau dan tak terhitung keindahan alamnya. Berapa banyak pendapatan negara dari Pajak, devisa negara, fiskal, sumber daya alam, ekspor, kayu, minyak, gas, dan berjuta- juta sumber kekayaan kita yang tak akan habis untuk dituliskan...? Kemana? Apa yang dilakukan oleh para penguasa negara ini?

Aku putus asa... Aku terdiam dalam sunyi di tengah keramaian pasar. Aku kecewa dalam tawaku menyaksikan sang penguasa menjadi budak bagi anak buahnya. Aku menangis menyaksikan bagaimana borjuise memangsa kaum dhuafa, si kaya semakin kaya dan si miskin semakin menjadi. Aaaarrgghhh... Anjing saja tidak pernah memakan sesamanya, lantas apa kalian?

The Jewngs..

Thanks for being there
Thanks for being real
Thanks for being subjective
Thanks for being kind
Thanks for being objective
Thanks for being rude
Thanks for being honest
Thanks for being loyal
Thanks for being with me in ups and downs
Thanks for supporting me in whatever I do
Thanks for encouraging me to be myself
Thanks for being smart when you have to
Thanks for being dumb when we are together
Thanks for twisting my mind when I am drowned
Thanks for slapping my face when I am unconscious
Thanks for stepping on my head when things flown me
Thanks for holding my hands when I get lost
Thanks for opening my eyes when I am blinded
Thanks for pinching me when I am dreaming
Thanks for being the way you are
Friends for life...

Cambodia, Kampuchea, Kamboja...

May 2008..

I decided to go Siem Reap, Cambodia (where Tomb Raider was filmed), all alone. I knew no one, I knew nothin.. I just simply booked ticket and accomodation via online. When I was about to go, everytime I told people about my trip, they would be like 'What?? Cambodia? War? Chaos, riots? What r u gonna do there? R u insane?'... But trust me, its exceptionally pretty.

The hostel cost me around US$10/night/person for 6-bedroom dormitory. But it was really clean, nice, neat and organized. The breakfast was excellent. The hostel provided 6 laptops with internet connection, for FREE. It was really great.. I stayed there for 4 days/ 3 nights. When I arrived, the tuktuk (Cambodia traditional cart) driver brought me around the temples. I got the 3-day pass ticket to go around the temple areas at US$40 (FYI, everythin is in USD). It's impossible for us to explore the whole area in a day, it's huge, tremendously.. I rented tuktuk at $15/ day. But I was too tired so I went back to hostel at 5pm and chilled there.

Then, suddenly a caucasian girl came in. I just said hi, tryin to be friendly.. She was kind and nice to talk to. What a coincidence that we booked the hotel via same website on the same day for the same period. In short, we got along pretty well. We went out and had dinner together. Oh my God, the food in Cambodia was scrumptious. I don't really eat rice, but Cambodian rice is soooooooooo tasty and chewy.. Yummy yummy yummy..

The next day, we went out together and enjoyed our times. I was so lucky to find her as she could help me taking pictures and also cut my expense for Tuktuk. Thank God...

The forth day, I just managed to write her a letter as she was still sleepin when I left early in the morning. She's Australian who currently lives in London. She's 9 years older than me, but she looks young... anyway...

I really enjoyed my time in Siem Reap. It was really relaxing. I am looking forward to having a chance to go back there again.

Notes:
1. It's perfect for pre-wedding photo shoot...
2. It's only a small & old-fashioned city, but trust me the airport is much better than Jakarta International Airport.
3. Visa on arrival for Indonesian costs around US$20
4. Airport tax US$25 (credit card accepted), I know it's pretty surprising..

Whining Jr.

We happened to know each other in college. It was 9 months back when I was hoping to find someone who could lead me to be back on track. I was really self-centered, egocentric and sarcastic in my 2nd stage whereas Whining Jr. was in 4th stage. We are different but we share similar values. At first, I was hoping Whining Jr. would give me some advices and inputs about study, life and experiences. As time goes by, I just realized Whining Jr. is a lonely, lost, clueless, unstable human being packaged in an academic situation who is full of hypothesis without any practice. He always whinges and complains about his life. He said he's never been happy throughout his life. I was so dead when I heard those words from his mouth. He always thinks negatively, sees things from different perspective, yet off-putting thought, again... He's pretty religious in a way, but somehow he shows that he's way far from it.. There are 3 things that I told him to keep those in mind:
1. You can't ask people to fit you, but you are the one who should fit into people.
2. All things we now have are not mine, it will be taken back when the time comes.
3. Situation is just a situation. The one who decides it's good or bad is yourself. Shit happens, either does miracle. Which term do you take?

note: I hate people who keep complaining bout their lives.. stop talking, do something! Believe it or not, complaining is transferring negative ions to people surround you. And I completely hate it!

My heart, my soul and my shadow..

... I was brought up in a very open-minded yet controllin family. I live separately from my sister and father, I bet u know what I mean.. Most of my time was spent with my mom and my dad, as well as so-called half brother,.. but trust me, we are one fully-whole-round-circle without any dot. In short, I can tell that I'm fully loaded with love; 2 mothers, 2 fathers, 1 elder sister and 3 younger brothers. Nothing could make me happier than being surrounded by them, the three main components in my life. I thank God for what happened in the past,.. it what actually brought me here, today, as in right this moment. My childhood might not have been perfect, but I know it's over, nothin to be worried about. That's what my mom always say to me.
I've been living for 8729 days; 209, 496 hours to be exact.. neither long, nor short.. but so many incidents happened, the expected and unexpected ones. I'm not sure when it ends, but the thing that I'm sure about: no regrets, nothin left behind. I'm here all alone with me, myself n I with all my dreams, goals, past, mistakes, achievements, thoughts, ideas, creations, curiousity, pride,... I have no regrets in my life, whatever it was, it had been for the best, I believe in it.

to be continued....

My throat beats, my heart screams...

Life was so easy, just goin through the motions.
I was cruisin along, not feelin any emotions.
No worries for anythin and nothin really to do.
Then out of the blue, there came u.
Unavailable to me u were, it really did matter.
For the love that u showed me, became absolute flatter.
Sometimes I notice things, like the twinkle in ur eyes, like the burnin of one star or like the spacious sky.
And then it makes me wonder, could it be a message from above, or could it b infatuation, or could it b love?
A secret so strong, on the edge so jagged.
How can I tell u that my heart has run ragged?
U continue to tell me that I know not what love is, but gimme sometime, for I feel it might b this.
So strong r my feelings, that I try to cover and hide, that I would actually consider puttin everythin else aside.
I feel it deep down, I feel so very alive.
When Im with u, I feel like we stop time.
Could it b infatuation or could it b love?
Sometimes I have these feelings, like an angel was sent just for me.
Someone to lighten up my life, that guardian u may b.
Into my heart, these feelings have dived.
And would I consider for us to have an affair?
This hypothetical situation is absolutely full of despair.
To give love a chance, and jump in feet first, ignore all the consequences that I know would make things worse.
And if it would ruin us, and the friendship we have, what would b the purpose of pursuing this endeavor?
Just to see if we can b together,
and see if our love is real?
To destroy what we already have would not make much sense, for I love our friendship, and the time we spend.
And so it is not worth it, just for one moment of bliss, for us to indulge in pleasure, not even for one little kiss.
But I know deep in my heart, lies a spot just for u.
You make me a better human being, so honest and so true.
I will b there for u through thick and thin.
I will give encouragement for that is what makes a friend.
And maybe someday, if things become right,
I will open my heart and give no more fight.
Because I definitely fall madly,
deeply in love with a man like u.
Sometimes I ponder what might and could have been, had I the chance to meet u way back when.
Only time will tell what will come of all this, but if stopped spending time, that is something I would miss.
I wrote this one special, for someone in my life new, all for this special person, and that person is u.
And whatever of this might come,
I dont think it's infatuation, I think it might just b love.